1. Academic physics is a prediction game.
2. Physicists make predictions by rearranging the symbols in an equation and sooner or later they find what they predicted —as if they put it there themselves— by fitting it into some white noise collected by an expensive machine built by the government for them to find what they predicted.
3. Physics boils down to data analysis.
4. Some of these predictions are more like divination or prophesy but we'll get to that in another article.
5. The nicest thing about being a physicist is that as soon as you become a Doctor of Philosophy, these magic letters (PhD) at the end of your name endow you with a magnificient power to corrupt any common word by redefining it; such a redefined word becomes the property of physics and cannot be understood or used by non-physicists.
6. In truth, a physicist is a linguist; he has the power to hijack and own any word by redefining it.
7. Some say that physicists corrupt the meanings of words to save their doctrines, just like their professional ancestors, the scholastic doctors of philosophy, the original anti-science.
8. But let's not be so harsh to these neo-scholastics who call themselves physicists because they thread the fine line between prediction and divination.
9. For instance, physicists redefined what we knew as the "scientific method" as the "not the scientific method".
10. They defined the negation of science as science.
11. Power corrupts and power over language corrupts absolutely.
12. Therefore, academic physicists are the most corrupt corrupters of humanity's knowledge bank.
13. I want to show you this with an example.
14. Let's suppose that physicists look at a tree in order to predict what kind of fruit that tree will produce.
15. As always physicists start by writing down Einstein's Field Equations appropriate for that field and they select a suitable set of solutions; they linearalize Einstein's equations because they cannot solve the original non-linear form of the equations; they add as many free parameters as necessary; they naturalize and normalize to eliminate all the annoying infinities by inventing some Nobel prize worthy mathematical tricks --in short, they effectively castrate Einstein's equations but they still call it Einstein's equations-- and finally, they make their predictions.
16. In this case, the prediction is: "This is an apple tree. We predict that the branches of this tree will soon be weighed down with apples!"
17. No surprises here. The equations have more free parameters than the number of predicted apples on the tree; all these parameters can be tuned to make any and all predictions. If you can make any possible predictions that's no longer called a prediction, that's called a guess.
18. But there was a glitch: The equations predicted that this tree will produce potatoes.
19. After discussing the issue with high ranking experimentalists, our guys were told that potatoes grow underground not on trees.
20. This fact caused a great crisis in physics.
21. Was Einstein wrong?
22. No. That’s out of the question.
23. Einstein can never be wrong.
24. Even Einstein's admitted blunders are turned into constants of nature by his disciples. Einstein is always right. Nature is wrong.
25. Then physicists asked: Are we on the cusp of new physics? What can we do? Who can save physics from this crisis?
26. Who but the genius on the wheelchair! Hawking! And that's what happened.
27. After long debates, the most elegantly ad hoc fine tuning was selected and the free parameters were tuned accordingly and the resulting mathematical beauty entered the physics literature as the Hawking Conjecture.
28. According to the Hawking Conjecture a potato that falls into a black hole exits from its anti-black hole as an apple.
30. So what we see as a tree now had been an anti-black hole about 777 billion years ago.
31. The number 777 was a side effect of the Hawking Conjecture and now it is enthroned as the king of all dimensionless numbers in physics, surpassing even the Fine Structure Constant in fame and mystery.
32. But the importance of this number for us is that it points to a time many many big bangs ago because our big bang happened just a mere 14 billion years ago. But Hawking's bang is the most ancient bang that happened even before all the big bangs defined by physicists (hot, cold, lukewarm etc.).
33. By the way this type of projecting intractable problems into the unknowable past is an old trick physicists use to solve unsolvable problems. Because it is an axiom of physics that the more distant a problem is it is most precisely solvable. If you push the problem to 777 billion years ago you can explain it in unheard of precision.
34. In short, the real beginning of time where this original bang happened is now called Hawking Epoch.
35. The essential property of this epoch is that everything that happened then is reflected from our big bang as what might be called as "big bang lensing" so that everything that happened in the infinitely remote Hawking Epoch is encoded in the Cosmic Background radiation that we observe today. How convenient, isn't it? This is the beauty of physics.
36. We are referring to the big bang that happened in the cosmological epoch called Hawking multi-multiverse.
37. Multi-multiverse is the multiverse of multiverses, which is proved by the old turtle hypothesis of the old cosmology.
38. In other words, because we see things the way they were billions of years ago, we see this anti-black hole as a tree now.
39. No need to go into further details because you will not understand rigorous mathematical equations used by physicists to prove that potatoes do not grow on trees.
40. You have to take their word for it.
41. Now the correct prediction is made: This is an apple tree.
42. Finally, the time comes and the tree flowers and little buds appear... but holy spherical cow! What is this?
43. The tree does not know that it is an apple tree and it is populated with cherries!
44. Physicists ask their classic rhetorical question again: Can Einstein be wrong?
45. Out of the question. Impossible. Not in a billion years.
46. Although we bastardized poor Einstein's equations, we made them linear, we added so many free parameters that we could even prove the existence of gods, any god from Zeus to Yahweh to Allah; and there were no traces of the original equations left and we chose a spacetime that gave what we wanted and we used the sophistical powers and the supreme physical authority of Hawking to predict apples and this idiot tree gives us cherries!
47. Is physics in crisis again?
48. No. Don't panic. This is a minor problem that we know how to fix.
49. This is known as “Physics is Never Wrong Conjecture.”
50. This properly follows from the Copernican Principle coupled to Mach’s Principle.
51. This happens in physics all the time.
52. This is actually not a physics problem but a linguistic problem.
53. To solve it we simply define cherries as apples.
54. Yes, we can do this and we do it all the time.
55. For instance, we are particle physicists right?
56. We study particles.
57. We believe that the world is made of elementary particles and we are the priestly accountants who find and classify these particles.
58. If the world is not made of particles we'd be out of work.
59. But it turns out that the world is NOT made of particles!
60. Our own experiments show that the world is not made of particles but fields and excitations of these fields.
61. There are no particles in the form of spherical balls as we still believe and will always believe.
62. But no worries.
63. We just call these fields and excitations "particles" and we draw them as colorful spherical balls.
64. We indicate their spin with arrows even though in physics spin has nothing to do with the spin of a spherical ball.
65. We draw gluons as springs obeying Hook's law although they dont.
66. This is the scientific method.
67. The true scientific method as used in physics.
68. So we simply say that cherries are apples in the Higgs field because it is the Higgs field that gives a cherry its appleness.
69. And if you ask about my own research, I personally work on the hot new field of dark apples which is a new branch in the larger branch of Dark Physics. More specifically, I try to find mathematical relations between cherry-apples and black holes.
59. Einstein equations predict that colliding black holes produce organic apples and NASA is in the process of converting LIGO into a machine that will cherry pick those organic apples produced in the Hawking Epoch.
60. By a fundamental law of physics Einstein must always reduce to Newton, so of course, dark apple theory reduces to classical mechanics as all theories must in speeds slower than speed of light and we get apples from Newton's orchard. (If you didn't understand this sentence, see the appendix for its formal mathematical version.)
61. Now what is left is to find the flavor of these black apples spewed from Schwrascschilhd radius. (All misspelling of Schwardchshdilds reduce to its correct spelling in the appropriate spelling radius.)
62. Are they Granny Smiths? No. They are a new kind of apples called Daddy Albert's. Daddy Albert's dark apples.
63. It’s unbelievable but true that Lisa Randall just published a book on this very subject. Whoaoa! When did she even write it??
64. Doctor Randall explains us how dark apples are the cause of dark matter and dark energy and how these dark stuff is the cause of the extinction of dinosaurs. Dr. Randall is sure to be right because she also sells high quality extra dimensions. If the extinction of dinosaurs did not happen in one of the boring existing 4 dimensions, it must have happened in one of her high quality dimensions where anything can happen.
65. Lisa Randall is one of the finest dark minds, so you should buy her book if you want to be enlightened. Yes, her dark mind can enlighten you. This is proved by Randall's Dark Mind Conjecture.
66. Yes, with the support of Lisa Randall, dark apple theory has become the best candidate to explain dark matter, in yet another most elegant circular reasoning so much loved by physicists.
67. After all they are both dark, right What other proof do you need?
68. But are there dark apples?
69. If there aren't we can easily define them and LIGO, now renamed APPL, will observe it for us.
70. Don't forget physics=science.